I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
