Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
