I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
