When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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