whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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