Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
