Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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