Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
