Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
