I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
