Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
