last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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