She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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