Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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