I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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