highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
