There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
