My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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