I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
