our cab driver is having phone sex.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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