Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
