he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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