can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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