I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
there is glitter all over my balls
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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