thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
