Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
