They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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