Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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