stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
