I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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