Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
