Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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