he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
