then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
