Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
