Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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