My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
