somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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