In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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