my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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