youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did I show you my penis last night?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
