We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
