Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
