I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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