I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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