i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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