On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
