Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
