I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
