My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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