i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
