when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize