If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
