Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
