I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
