If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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